I’ve been bullied for my first six years of school: they picked on my look, my high marks and my way of expressing myself (A.S. didn’t help at all). And the girls who were nice to me, it was because they wanted something of me (especially doing their homework, I remember refusing at their request and then being bullied again).
But any harassment wasn’t as painful as this experience:
The last three years I made a friend (we’ll call her “L”). Very often I’ve sent her gifts, like drawings, collages of her favourite things, etc, which she happily accepted. But her group of friends didn’t accept me, they constantly tried to convince her that I was a bad influence and an obsessive weirdo. L always assured me that she didn’t think of me like that, I think that’s why I could cope with bullying with less burden on my shoulders.
In sixth grade, L participated in a beauty contest (seriously… a beauty contest for early teens… what the hell) ; I wished her the best. Apparently, my way of expressing feelings was too showy; this was the first time that a bully -who was another friend of her- suggested that I was a closet pervert and had ‘second intentions’ with L. Although she kept assuring me that what the bully said it’s not true, her group of friends treated me worse, this time behind my back. Once, in a ‘friendly’ fashion, another classmate asked me if I was lesbian, which I answered ‘no’. And then she told me that this group started talking shit of me again.
To this point, I ended mistrusting everyone. When I moved from that school at 12, a former classmate told me that L was happy because I left. I assumed that she meant “L is happy because she doesn’t have to see me again”. I felt seriously betrayed and unable to see beyond my suspicions.
For the next years, I ended
falling in love obsessing with my closest friends (or anyone that shows comprehension to me), regardless of gender. But I didn’t feel guilty of my sexuality, but my feelings. Most of them now hate me. After the most recent event, I even cut myself for six months. The guilt was too much.
I still can’t overcome completely this part of my past. I keep my current friends at the length of my arm, and any attempt of intimacy is really painful to me. To the present I’ve been struggling with self-sabotage; cutting contact with people who love me and making myself hateable to them, constantly second-guessing when someone says anything positive to me, showing my feelings inappropriately at the wrong moments, adopting myself a “despicable” label, and even feeling guilty of my own creations and destroying them “unintentionally” (i’m an art student).
Nobody in my family knows these details. They assume that “I was strong enough to overcome the bullying” and feel proud of me for it; although I don’t give credit anymore to those six years of hell, this experience in particular still haunts me. Now I’m 21 and still feel like a child, an emotional wreck and fearful of external help. But I’m learning how to overcome the feelings of inadequacy and not repeating this pattern anymore.